Intimacy. Liz Jackson writes via Good Housekeeping about how a bad relationship shattered her perception of intimacy and ruined her chances at a healthy relationship. This was the start of her developing this form of sexual mental illness, changing her life.
Disease. Not long after her bad experience, she was diagnosed with sexual anorexia, a condition that has resulted from the fear and anxiety she gets when anyone tried to get intimate with her. It's clear that it stemmed from this previous, hurtful relationship.
Term. ”I can't remember where I first heard the term 'sexual anorexia,' but I do remember exactly how I felt: simultaneously ill and relieved,” writes Jackson. She explains that like anorexia, sufferers of the condition “starve themselves of intimacy."
Motives. Jackson writes that she was never a relationship person, so when she got into a relationship with her ex, James, she initially doubted his motives. Even though he tried his best to convince her that his interest in her was genuine, she never believed it.
Game. "I thought of it as some game or prank where he'd eventually end up pointing and laughing at me for thinking that I was worthy of love and affection,” writes Jackson. Unfortunately, James would prove her right and once she finally started telling herself that James did actually like her, he stopped all contact with her.
Second chance. Some years later, James came back into her life, begging for a second chance. Despite knowing better, she took him back. Things were good for a few months, until he dropped a major bomb on her— he had been seeing someone the entire time they were together.
Disappointment. "Once he made his little announcement, I grabbed my coat and ran out the door, down four flights of stairs and into a taxi,” writes Jackson. He attempted to get back in touch with her right away, but it didn't work this time. What hurt the most however, was her own disappointment in herself for taking him back.
Hospital. After the incident, Jackson’s anxiety got so bad that she ended up going to the hospital, to make sure her heart wasn’t in danger. Doctors reassured her that she was healthy, but she was still upset that she was having constant panic attacks all because of a man.
Recluse. She had discontinued her dating life and was even cutting back on socializing, too. "I have had years of therapy for my sexual anorexia, but even that has presented a problem,” writes Jackson, who can barely talk about her condition without freezing up.
Therapy. Jackson turned to therapy, where her therapist would try to get her to understand what it is about being intimate with someone that causes her to panic so much, and tries to get her to figure out what triggers her. She's dealing with her sexual anorexia the bast she can.
Triggers. "She has asked if I wanted to talk about James, or any of my other previous relationships to pinpoint my triggers," she says. Unfortunately, she always turns her down because it makes her feel sad, "and I don't want to leave therapy feeling worse than when I arrived,” writes Jackson.
No breakthroughs. Her therapy hasn’t exactly provided Jackson with any breakthroughs however. Although she does admit she does miss being close with another person. Her attempts at dating always result in the same thing— panic and anxiety.
Fraud. She says that her life is a bit ironic, because her career involves a lot about sexual health and empowerment for women. She writes, talks and teaches about the subject, but she feels like a fraud — "no amount of knowledge can erase the fact that sex is something I am no longer able to engage in,” writes Jackson, who thinks that talking about sex so often at her job might make matters worse for her.
Opening up. Most recently, Jackson has opened up to a friend about her condition, and much to her surprise, this person admitted that they too had suffered from the same condition, only to overcome it some years later. She was too afraid to talk about it, but one of the first people she talked to about it turned out to be the best person to talk to.
Hope. Now, Jackson is optimistic that perhaps she might be cured one day. Speaking with her new friend, she felt relief and hope. This friend is in a long-term relationship, after years of dealing with sexual anorexia. "Knowing that she started out feeling like me and eventually worked through it makes me cautiously optimistic,” writes Jackson, via Good Housekeeping.
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