It surprised many people to discover that not only do gay men continue to marry straight women, many are saying they are happily married!
Mixed-orientation marriages in the spotlight. Since the airing of the TLC show “My Husband’s Not Gay,” there has been a bigger spotlight on mixed-orientation marriages. The show received a lot of negative attention but opened up the conversation and since gay men with straight wives have been coming out - as happily married!
Gay man is happily married to a straight woman. In a Salon.com article by writer, Tracy Clark-Flory, a 34-year-old gay man married to a straight woman explained that while he is “sexually attracted to men,” he loves his wife very much and they have “a very good sex life.” “I think she’s beautiful,” he says, but “I’m gay.”
Gay man married his straight best friend. According to Clark-Flory, the gay man’s wife knows about his orientation and was the first person he told about his attraction to the same sex. The pair from Utah, who grew up together and consider themselves best friends, got married to meet the dictates of the Mormon faith, in which being gay itself isn’t a sin, “but acting on it is.”
Not all mixed orientation marriages are the same. For the article, Clark-Flory also spoke to a psychology professor called Warren Throckmorton. According to Throckmorton, not all mixed-orientation marriages are the same. There are straight women, for instance, married to men who consider themselves to be ex-gays. “Ex-gays,” says Throckmorton, are men who believe that they have essentially cured themselves of homosexuality.
Some husbands in mixed orientation marriages are bisexual. Then there are the mixed-orientation marriages in which rather than being gay, the husbands identify as “bisexual.” According to Throckmorton, he has found this to be the “largest subgroup.”
Some husbands in mixed orientation marriages are exclusively gay. The next largest group, says Throckmorton, are marriages in which the husband identifies as being almost “exclusively gay.” These men don’t feel much attraction to the wives and probably didn’t feel any when they married. They may have felt like they needed to get married to a woman, however, and may have believed that their attraction to them would grow.
Some gay men are only sexually attracted to one woman, their wives. There is one more group, says Throckmorton, and these are mixed-orientation marriages in which the man says that he only feels an attraction to his wife. In these marriages, says the professor, the couples can have a “complete sex life” in which the husband fantasizes about his wife and other men, but not other women. The wife is the only woman that her husband is attracted to.
Almost all relationships are mixed orientation. Throckmorton says that almost all relationships are mixed-orientation, even if it is only to a small degree. Even for same-sex relationships, as Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” found, only 10% of men could be considered “more or less exclusively homosexual.”
Why do gay men marry straight women? The BBC Victoria Derbyshire show also took a look at gay men married to straight women. Looking at why gay men continue to marry straight women despite the increased tolerance for homosexuality and same sex marriages, the show found that some men didn’t know they were gay when they married while others have since stayed together to meet the expectations of family and friends.
“Gay Married Men.” According to the Victoria Derbyshire show, for some men who got married decades before greater gay sexual liberation, reorienting themselves to what is now possible takes some time. One of the men interviewed attends a support group called “Gay Married Men,” founded about a decade ago in Manchester UK. Apparently men travel from all over the country to attend and as a result, begin to feel more comfortable to come out as gay and to even divorce and remarry a man.
Mixed-orientation marriages challenge monogamy. According to Dr. Joe Kort, writing for goodmenproject.com, the negativity surrounding gay men being married to straight women shadows the lessons that can be learned from “how these couples can actually make their relationships work.” He says that people remained concerned about mixed-orientation marriages because of its challenge to monogamy and the threat of infidelity, while others balk at the inherent suggestion that somehow a person can be “changed from gay to straight.”
Attachment to binary sexual attraction is limiting. Culture’s attachment to sexual attraction as binary, says Dr. Kort, either gay or straight, “is severely limiting.” The psychotherapist who specializes in gay male development and working with gay male couples says that he has worked with mixed orientation couples who have chosen to stay together, as well as those who have chosen to part. No one has the right to tell 2 people what they should do with their marriage, he says; “it’s their marriage,” and “a loving partner is worth fighting for.”
Society responsible for “sexually confused adults.” Dr. Kort warns that before you judge a gay man married to a straight woman, you should stop to take into account that the way that society raises children to explore only heterosexuality creates “sexually confused adults.” As a result, he says, some non-heterosexual children convince “themselves they are straight,” only to have their “gay sexual identities” surface later.
Gay men can love their wives and children. There is a reason why some women stay married even after discovering that their husbands are gay, says Dr. Kort. Despite the “very painful and emotional” discussions, women may discover that their husbands genuinely love them and their children and can begin the challenging task of creating a marriage that works for the people in the relationship.
Mixed orientation marriages can work with openness and honesty. Especially, dependent on the type of mixed orientation marriage, Dr. Kort says that he lets couples know that both the gay partner and the straight face a risk in staying married. For those who didn’t necessarily enter the institution consciously, they may need to answer certain questions honestly for themselves and their partners - the gay partner may need to ask themselves whether they will really be able keep to their homosexual desires in check if their wife insists on monogamy, while the straight partner may really need to ask themselves whether they really trust that their spouse loves them and wants to make their family life work.
Mixed-orientation marriages in the spotlight. Since the airing of the TLC show “My Husband’s Not Gay,” there has been a bigger spotlight on mixed-orientation marriages. The show received a lot of negative attention but opened up the conversation and since gay men with straight wives have been coming out - as happily married!
Gay man is happily married to a straight woman. In a Salon.com article by writer, Tracy Clark-Flory, a 34-year-old gay man married to a straight woman explained that while he is “sexually attracted to men,” he loves his wife very much and they have “a very good sex life.” “I think she’s beautiful,” he says, but “I’m gay.”
Gay man married his straight best friend. According to Clark-Flory, the gay man’s wife knows about his orientation and was the first person he told about his attraction to the same sex. The pair from Utah, who grew up together and consider themselves best friends, got married to meet the dictates of the Mormon faith, in which being gay itself isn’t a sin, “but acting on it is.”
Not all mixed orientation marriages are the same. For the article, Clark-Flory also spoke to a psychology professor called Warren Throckmorton. According to Throckmorton, not all mixed-orientation marriages are the same. There are straight women, for instance, married to men who consider themselves to be ex-gays. “Ex-gays,” says Throckmorton, are men who believe that they have essentially cured themselves of homosexuality.
Some husbands in mixed orientation marriages are bisexual. Then there are the mixed-orientation marriages in which rather than being gay, the husbands identify as “bisexual.” According to Throckmorton, he has found this to be the “largest subgroup.”
Some husbands in mixed orientation marriages are exclusively gay. The next largest group, says Throckmorton, are marriages in which the husband identifies as being almost “exclusively gay.” These men don’t feel much attraction to the wives and probably didn’t feel any when they married. They may have felt like they needed to get married to a woman, however, and may have believed that their attraction to them would grow.
Some gay men are only sexually attracted to one woman, their wives. There is one more group, says Throckmorton, and these are mixed-orientation marriages in which the man says that he only feels an attraction to his wife. In these marriages, says the professor, the couples can have a “complete sex life” in which the husband fantasizes about his wife and other men, but not other women. The wife is the only woman that her husband is attracted to.
Almost all relationships are mixed orientation. Throckmorton says that almost all relationships are mixed-orientation, even if it is only to a small degree. Even for same-sex relationships, as Kinsey’s “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” found, only 10% of men could be considered “more or less exclusively homosexual.”
Why do gay men marry straight women? The BBC Victoria Derbyshire show also took a look at gay men married to straight women. Looking at why gay men continue to marry straight women despite the increased tolerance for homosexuality and same sex marriages, the show found that some men didn’t know they were gay when they married while others have since stayed together to meet the expectations of family and friends.
“Gay Married Men.” According to the Victoria Derbyshire show, for some men who got married decades before greater gay sexual liberation, reorienting themselves to what is now possible takes some time. One of the men interviewed attends a support group called “Gay Married Men,” founded about a decade ago in Manchester UK. Apparently men travel from all over the country to attend and as a result, begin to feel more comfortable to come out as gay and to even divorce and remarry a man.
Mixed-orientation marriages challenge monogamy. According to Dr. Joe Kort, writing for goodmenproject.com, the negativity surrounding gay men being married to straight women shadows the lessons that can be learned from “how these couples can actually make their relationships work.” He says that people remained concerned about mixed-orientation marriages because of its challenge to monogamy and the threat of infidelity, while others balk at the inherent suggestion that somehow a person can be “changed from gay to straight.”
Attachment to binary sexual attraction is limiting. Culture’s attachment to sexual attraction as binary, says Dr. Kort, either gay or straight, “is severely limiting.” The psychotherapist who specializes in gay male development and working with gay male couples says that he has worked with mixed orientation couples who have chosen to stay together, as well as those who have chosen to part. No one has the right to tell 2 people what they should do with their marriage, he says; “it’s their marriage,” and “a loving partner is worth fighting for.”
Society responsible for “sexually confused adults.” Dr. Kort warns that before you judge a gay man married to a straight woman, you should stop to take into account that the way that society raises children to explore only heterosexuality creates “sexually confused adults.” As a result, he says, some non-heterosexual children convince “themselves they are straight,” only to have their “gay sexual identities” surface later.
Gay men can love their wives and children. There is a reason why some women stay married even after discovering that their husbands are gay, says Dr. Kort. Despite the “very painful and emotional” discussions, women may discover that their husbands genuinely love them and their children and can begin the challenging task of creating a marriage that works for the people in the relationship.
Mixed orientation marriages can work with openness and honesty. Especially, dependent on the type of mixed orientation marriage, Dr. Kort says that he lets couples know that both the gay partner and the straight face a risk in staying married. For those who didn’t necessarily enter the institution consciously, they may need to answer certain questions honestly for themselves and their partners - the gay partner may need to ask themselves whether they will really be able keep to their homosexual desires in check if their wife insists on monogamy, while the straight partner may really need to ask themselves whether they really trust that their spouse loves them and wants to make their family life work.
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