Why People Get Turned On After They’re Betrayed By Their Spouse, According To Science

A person who gets cheated on may feel a huge range of different emotions. They may feel angry, sad, jealous, hurt, or even just get filled with denial. These are expected - after all the person was just seriously betrayed.What many people don’t expect to feel when they’re dealing with a cheating spouse is sexual arousal - but that’s what many, many people initially feel. Ever wonder why that happens? Believe it or not, science says it’s a somewhat normal reaction. In fact, there’s even a name for it. Here’s the scoop about why you get turned on after being cheated on.

The actual term for it is hysterical bonding. However, there’s nothing hysterical about it in the normal sense of the word. It’s a reaction that most people would describe as a primal desire for sex after finding out a spouse has been cheating. Most commonly, this sudden lust is driven towards the betraying partner.

Currently, there doesn’t seem to be any information on how common the phenomenon is. The fact is that it’s not most people wouldn’t admit sexual arousal by it - even if it was polled. That being said, most psychologists have seen a number of cases in which sexual arousal after cheating happened.

Just because you have an urge to do hysterical bonding doesn’t mean that you have to go through with it in order for it to be called hysterical bonding. In other words, the urge alone is considered hysterical bonding. Many people do act on it, and those who have usually say that it’s some of the best sex they’ve had with their partners. In some rare cases, it has led to reconciliation between the two partners.

However, there’s a downside to most hysterical bonding episodes. It’s often described as a “high.” Usually, what happens is that once the couple has sex for a week or so, what ends up happening is that the betrayed spouse experiences a “crash.” They stop feeling anything for the betrayer - or, they begin wondering what’s going on with their own emotions.

It’s also worth noting that hysterical bonding often confuses people. The most common thing people wonder is if they’re crazy for feeling so attracted to their spouse after the affair’s news has broken out. They often wonder if it’s normal, if there’s something wrong with them, or if there’s a “deeper meaning” to the way they feel.

Hysterical bonding often lasts for a period between two weeks and two months. With a two week long bonding period, it often ends in a sudden “crash.” When the bonding period is longer, it’s often because the bonding just peters out. In many cases, the “crash” is brought on by remembering things that the betrayer may have said to the other person - thereby ruining the mood.

Why does it happen? There’s actually multiple theories on this, depending on who you ask. Biologists, psychologists, and relationship experts all have a different reason why hysterical bonding could happen.

Biologically, there may be hormones in play. Studies have shown that men who watch their spouses sleep with other men tend to get testosterone boosts. Moreover, the sudden adrenaline surge and hormone fluctuations that happen with high levels of stress can be a lot to handle. It doesn’t take much to see how hormones may end up getting mixed up to the point that it may mimic falling in love or being “in heat” for a person.

Also, hysterical bonding could be a way to overcompensate for the sexual bond that was threatened. This is why so many couples who experience hysterical bonding do so when they are trying to actually recover from the affair. As one betrayed spouse explained, “I didn’t want him to have anything left for the Other Woman.”

Psychologically, many people may end up using hysterical bonding as a subconscious way to try to “reset” things back to what was once normal. Think about it. When we’re in trauma, we often will try to bargain as a coping mechanism. In fact, this is one of the classic 5 stages of grief and can be seen as a grieving sign.

There’s actually a little more proof to the potential of it being a grieving issue that you’d think. Most of the time, hysterical bonding happens a couple of days after the affair has been revealed to the betrayed spouse. They often go through shock, dismay, numbness, and then suddenly get an urge for crazy sex.

There’s also the Guppy Effect that can explain this - at least with women. Studies have shown that women tend to show higher levels of attraction to men who have been chosen by other women. This is often an explanation as to why women hit on married men, and why betrayed spouses who may not have been very interested in their partners suddenly regain interest.

Moreover, some betrayed spouses may just want to feel like they are still attractive to their spouse. And this can cause a subconscious trigger to make them want to have sex, even if it’s just to validate their attractiveness alone. Think about it, wouldn’t you want to know you still had it if you’ve been betrayed.

There also may be a fetish underneath it all - or it could be a coping mechanism. There have been many cases in which a person learns to get sexually aroused under duress. Considering that cuckolding and cuckqueaning is a known fetish, it could actually be a sexual fetish that the betrayed person isn’t confronting. However, it’s unlikely that all hysterical bonding moments are about dealing with emotional pain this way.

The bottom line is that it happens for a mix of reasons. And, experts suggest that the best way to deal with it is to acknowledge your feelings and just try to deal with it as you see fit. Hysterical bonding doesn’t mean the relationship has to continue or that it has to fail. It’s up to you to make that call.