Underestimation. That’s the name of the game. The Wall Street Journal reports that “men in long-term relationships often underestimate how often their wives or girlfriends want to be intimate.”
Three studies. The psychologists at the University of Toronto and the University of Western Ontario conducted three studies, involving some 200+ couples. 229 to be exact, the large majority of which were heterosexual.
Details. Those involved ranged in age from 18 to 68-years-old. “The couples had been together six years on average,” reports the Wall Street Journal, “and they reported they had sex an average of one to two times a week.”
First study. 44 of the initial 229 couples were asked to keep a diary for three weeks. “Partners reported on their own level of sexual desire each day,” reports the WSJ. They also were asked to report on their perception of their partner’s level of desire and their personal level of satisfaction in the relationship.
Second study. A larger pooling of people was used, 84 couples. They reported once and reported on the same there issues. And in the third study, “101 couples kept a diary for three weeks, reporting on the same three issues.” They were also, however, asked to report how much motivation they felt each day to avoid sexual rejection.
Results. It turns out each study had the exact same results. “Men consistently underestimate their female partner’s desire, while the women had an accurate read on whether or not their partner was interested in sex.”![]()
An interesting bit of information. On the particular days when the men underestimated their partner’s desire, “the women reported being more satisfied in and committed to the relationship,” according to WSJ. Why do the men underestimate their partner’s sexual interest, exactly?
Rejection. Well... fear of it. That’s the reason researchers believe men underestimate their partner’s sexual desire. “If a man initiates sex and his wife rebuffs him,” for example, “he may feel bad or resentful and she may feel annoyed.” He avoids this negative reaction by just assuming she isn’t interested.
Amy Muise. Muise, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto, says men think it’s better for the state of their relationship to under-perceive how much sex their partner wants to have. It avoids complacency.
The normal amount. The University of Chicago created a study called “The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.” In it, they found that 80 percent of married couples have sex a few times a month or more.
Other stats. 32 percent of the couples reported have sex two or three times a week. A few times a month was fairly normal for 47 percent of the couples polled.
Higher. Some research has found that men have a higher sex drive. But, according to the WSJ, “in long-term relationships—typically defined as longer than three years—men are equally as likely as women to be the partner with low sexual desire.”
The key? Communication. Sari Cooper, a sex and marriage therapist in NYC, told WSJ, “The problem of women not communicating well about their desire is more complex than couples think. The woman may not really know what she wants sexually, so she has trouble communicating her wishes or would feel uncomfortable following through with what she asked for.”
The remedy. Cooper suggests listening more to your partner and reading their signals. Watching out for their body language. "I will see women in my office who will tell their husband: ‘Remember when I was joking about that sex scene in that movie we saw? Well, I was trying to come onto you,’” Cooper told Refinery29. “He may need something more overt.”
What’s the takeaway? At the end of the day, communication again and again proves to be key in sustaining a healthy sex life. Refinery29 reports that it isn’t necessarily bad that men under-estimate their partner’s sexual interest due to a fear of rejection, because it will prompt some men to try harder.
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